A Chapter has Ended, but the Book Goes On

Wow. It's been more than a year since I've been here.

I'm excited to announce that after the expiration of my domain name, I was able to successfully renew it last week, and I'm back, baby!

I really think I need to talk about why I've been gone for such a long time, what has changed, and what remains the same. I'm going to just say it; I'm no longer engaged and I'm no longer a future stepmother.

Sometimes, things just happen. In this case, my own insecurities got the best of me, and I couldn't hold down what I thought was the best relationship in the entire world. My mood swings started to get so bad; mental breakdowns would last for days and I even kicked a hole in my door. I really couldn't fathom the thought of being left behind, and it only caused my behavior to get worse around my ex. The angry person I had become wasn't even me anymore; she was a ravenous bitch who didn't love herself nor anyone around her. She was someone who gained an upwards of 70 pounds; someone who never wanted to leave the house; someone who'd truly given up on the idea of actual happiness. She was someone who accepted that fact that relationships were meant to be shitty and wanted to stay in hers because she didn't think she could be happy as a single woman.

I remember the day he dumped me; I knew it was coming and I had been ugly-crying all day. It was a cold September evening. The minute he arrived home, I started my usual bullshit: asking why he didn't love me anymore, why he was acting so cold, why he didn't want to make the relationship work. The first thing I said after he muttered from his defeated lips, "it's over," were "but what if I can't find somebody else?" His response, trying to be the good guy, was "You will find somebody. Somebody who truly loves you and is perfect for you. That person isn't me."

Those words were really difficult to hear, but I did all that I could to accept those words and move forward. We lived together for a short amount of time after our breakup, but he slowly stopped coming around and stopped bringing his daughter to our home. At the time, I thought he was being a dick, but I now know that he was doing that to protect her. This was a little girl I know I loved and will continue to love, but this was a little girl that I was not fit to have in my life.

When he finally moved out, I was upset for a while, but I felt more relieved than anything else. I decided that it was time to take control of my life once again. I dropped about half of the weight I'd gained through a strict diet regimen (that'll be more detailed in another post), and I started making so much time for fun and friends. And then, by a weird chance and a mere leap of faith, I met someone new; someone I fell in love with so damn quickly, I know for a fact I could not have truly loved anyone else before (I'll also talk more about this in another post).

So, in a nutshell, I was not the right person to be a stepmother. And I now know that my inability to be a stepmom isn't a bad thing at all. We're all different; some of us have parenthood engraved in us and some of us simply do not. Not only have I accepted this, but I've even embraced it. I know what my needs and wants are, and I know what I deserve. I simply cannot put a child before myself right now, because I know that I'm destined for greater things, and I need to focus on myself. I need to learn to love myself once more; I need to continue to strive for greatness; I need to take my time in achieving the life I truly want to live.

I could write so much about this topic, but I'll leave it at this: that part of my life is over and I've moved on. I am lucky to maintain a lovely civility with my ex, and I've accepted the fact that I won't see his daughter anymore. I wish her nothing but happiness and an amazing life. I'm thankful for that chapter of my life; I've learned a lot and I will forever be an advocate for stepmothers. I lived it and I know how hard it can be, and I will always support you guys as you travel your paths. And even though that chapter of my life has ended, it will always be remembered and cherished, and continue to shape me into the person I will ultimately become; the book will continue to be written.

1 comment

  1. Aww, Holly... <3
    I'm so sorry you went through such a terrible time, but I'm so glad you were able to maintain your self-awareness. That is not something everyone can do - most people have no concept of it at all.
    I always wish the best for you, and I hope your new chapters bring you the fulfillment you deserve.

    - Jackie


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