Stepmother Insecurity Pt. 1: Being a Stepmom With PCOS

Being a stepmom can be so difficult, especially for women like myself. I grew up never wanting kids; I hated them. Even now, I find myself frustrated when they cry and they just annoy me. I was such a party girl and a piece of that person is still very much inside of me. So, when the man I was in love with told me that his ex was pregnant, I was ready to drop the entire relationship and get out!

To be perfectly honest, I really was in denial about the whole thing. I mean, there was no way that life would really do that to me, right? Wrong.

I really love him and I loved him then, so I kept thinking that a love so strong wouldn't be possible with a child, thus increasing my denial that I'd actually have a stepchild in my life.

I honestly thought my life was over when she was born (you can read about my transition into stepmotherhood here).

The thing is, my life didn't end. A new chapter had simply begun.

I stopped partying 24/7. I started to learn to control my anger and anxiety and seemingly consistent mood swings. I began to feel love for this child. It was a love I hadn't felt before. A love that made me feel like I wanted to protect her from all of the bad things in this world. I still want to protect her, and I tell her all the time that I am here for her, always.

No matter how much I love her, though, her mother will always be her number one. I've accepted this and I even get along with her. I trust her with our little girl. I envy her at times, and other times I remember my amazing situation and how perfect it can really be. I mean, c'mon, I've got a man who loves me unconditionally and a beautiful little stepdaughter who has recently dubbed me "Mama Holly." Can it really get any better than that?

Truth is, it could be a lot better, if I allowed it to. I come from a horrible previous relationship that has left me emotionally scarred. I find it difficult trusting anyone, and with my generalized anxiety disorder, I overthink things way too much. As a woman with PCOS, I constantly wonder if I'll ever have kids. Hubs assures me that we will pop out one or two beautiful babies when I'm ready (he's ready now, debt and all; he dreams of having a baby of our own). But what if I really can't? Does that mean I'm any less of a woman? Isn't a woman's purpose to reproduce?

Before my PCOS diagnosis, I was all about never having babies and it made me feel empowered. My desire to never have a child made me feel strong. But that was when I had an option. Now, I'm not sure if I can have a baby, and I hate possibly not having a choice. Do birth mothers have more importance because their bodies have no problem getting pregnant?

My sweet fiancé tells me no. He tells me that, even if we can't have a baby, we'll adopt one and I'll be an amazing mother, He tells me I'm already an amazing mother. Thinking really hard about it, I know he's right. Before him and his daughter, I couldn't even hold a baby. Now, I'm cooking for her, watching Little Einsteins with her, hugging her and kissing her in my arms, and even changing her diapers (but that's rare; poop still freaks me out).

So tell me, fellow stepmamas: what are your insecurities about being a stepmom? Anyone out there with PCOS? Let's chat it up in the comments.

Love you guys. Always.

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