I had a baby! But, she's not mine ...

So I've decided to do something a little different for today's post. I've decided to talk about this gorgeous, perfect little baby; a baby I love the way a mother loves a daughter of her own.

The only thing is, she's not mine. 

I've been involved in Abigail's life since before she was born. I witnessed the entire pregnancy, her birth (also I actually wasn't there for it), and her growing up. She's six months old now. And while babies are usually a mere bundle of joy, happiness, and love, Abigail's arrival was far from that for me.

I started seeing my fiancĂ© in January of 2013. We really hit it off on our first date, and things all kind of happened quickly, but we immediately started to fall in love. Even today, we say our love for each other is almost dangerous, because it's not a normal kind of love. It's passionate and it's emotional, almost obsessive. He asked me to be his girlfriend on February 24th, 2013, on stage, at a show he played with his band.

Everything was perfect. We went to shows together, and I'd watch him play and sing in his band. We'd spend night after night cuddling up next to each other, watching comedy skits and talking about our lives prior to the relationship. I couldn't have been happier. I already saw him as "the one," because even after a previous 5-year relationship, I realized I didn't even see my previous boyfriend in the same light. I knew we'd be perfect. Everything was going to be great.

Yummmmmm ;)

Until, just one week later (and it happened to less than 24 hours after he told me he loved me for the first time), he dropped a bomb on me.

His ex girlfriend was three months pregnant. 

At first, he told me nothing was going to change. His feelings remained the same, he still loved me and wanted to be with me. But I knew there was absolutely no way I'd be able to handle being with him as his first child was growing inside of another woman's womb. He told me they were considering adoption, though, so I stuck around, hoping they'd give the baby to another loving home.

About three months after that, he told me that they had decided to keep the baby. I went crazy! I was home alone when he told me, and I remember taking out a bottle of rum and drinking from the bottle to try and calm my nerves. It didn't work at all, if anything, it made my rage so much worse.

How was I going to survive this? I thought about the birth of Abigail, over and over, and how MY MAN was going to be inside the labor room with this woman, who I typically despised, and how I'd be home alone, probably crying or trying to off myself.

As the months went by, I saw his ex grow larger and larger, with what would be a perfect and beautiful baby inside of her. During that time, my fiancé and I fought like crazy.

"I will never love your daughter!" I drunkenly blurted out during one of our bad fights. But I stayed, with what was only the tiniest bit of hope that perhaps it could somehow, in some way, work out, because I loved him, and I couldn't imagine a life without him.

The weeks right before her birth were awful. I was prescribed a ton of anxiety medications like Lexapro and Xanax from my doctor because I didn't know how to handle it anymore. I couldn't work; I remained unemployed throughout the summer. Between having no job, going through the passing of my grandfather and while dealing with this, it was too much to handle. Every day brought a new worry and a new stress, and little bits of hope dwindled out of me. I was lost. But I held on.

And then, the day came. I remember it so clearly. I was home, nervous and anxious, because I knew she was going to go into labor at any moment. And then I got the phone call.

"She's going to the hospital," Brian said. "Abigail might be coming."

That night, I went out and drank as much alcohol as I could, with hopes that I'd black out or forget the whole thing or maybe just die. And then, in my awful drunken stupor, I saw all over social media pictures of his beautiful baby girl, with these giant brown eyes.

credit; Brian Torrusio
"She's here!" I cried to my friends. I fell to my knees on the street outside the bar and began to cry uncontrollably. I suddenly couldn't feel my hands. My vision was blurry. I shook on the ground as I waited for a text from Brian, I waited for him to leave me and go back to the woman who gave birth to his child.

And I thought my life was over.

But, surprisingly, it wasn't over. Brian never left; his love for me remained the same. Through all of the tears, and the pain, and the heartbreak, and the anxiety, I grew to love Abigail as if she was my own. It took months after her birth to accept it - I never wanted to see her or talk about her - but eventually, that all changed.

And now, when she comes over, I get so excited that I get to see, who I now know as my little angel. This little angel, Abigail June, is teaching me so many things about life - she's teaching me acceptance, patience, and the true meaning of love. When she sees me, although not too often, she smiles. When she cries in the arms of strangers, she finds comfort in mine. She loves my kisses and knows the sound of my voice. I've grown up a lot since she arrived. And I love her - I love her as if she was my blood. I've even stopped taking my anxiety medications and I don't drink nearly as much, and I've been okay without them.

So, no, she's not my daughter, but when I marry the love of my life, she will be my step-daughter. And, until then and after, I will love her and I will be there for her, always. Now, Brian and I are happily engaged.

So, if any of you ladies are ever in a situation like this, trust me, it can work out. Don't give up on someone who has a child or children. Men, if you meet a single woman who is pregnant or has a child, don't write her off. It takes a lot of guts and courage to raise a child that's not yours, or to be with someone who has one. I know, first hand, that jealousy, confusion and doubt can arise, but let it go. Be patient with the parents, it's not easy for them either. It will be okay, if you LET IT BE OKAY; I promise!

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